(12)他们的跑法也特别,四六步儿不快不慢,低着头,目不旁
视的,贴着马路边儿走,带出与世无争,而自有专长的神气。(老舍
《骆驼祥子》)
Their style of running is also unique: at a pace that is neither
particularly fast nor too slow, they run with their heads down, not
deigning to look left or right as they keep to the sides of the roads,
aloof and self-assured.(葛浩文译)
Their way of running is special too. Going at a fair speed, head
lowered, looking neither to right nor to left, they hug the side of the
road, seemingly indifffferent to the world yet supremely self-assured.(施
晓菁译)
原文描写的是专拉洋买卖的车夫拉车时候的动作和神情,主要描写
了他们的速度、神态、拉车的方式,作者将这些内容逐一陈述,行云流
水般地刻画出与世无争,而自有专长的优越感。
译文 a 梳理出整段话的主次结构:译者将句处理为总句,后面
的描写都是对于句的拓展;其次,他将 run 作为主要动作,“不快不
慢”翻译为介词短语加定语从句,“目不旁视的”和“贴着马路边儿走”
处理为含有时间状语从句的句子;后的神情描写处理为两个并列的形
容词,更加凸显了这类车夫独有的气质。整段话层次分明,能让读者在
脑海中塑造一个立体的形象。
译文 b 与原文的结构较为对应,整个句子中的主要意象为 they hug
the side of the road(贴着马路边儿走),其他动作都处理为从属的动作
或状态,虽然与译文 a 获得的意象有所差异,但也层次分明,有焦点和
立体感。
(13)西间的旁边有一个车门,两扇绿漆大门,上面弯着一根粗
铁条,悬着一盏极亮的,没有罩子的电灯,灯下横悬着铁片涂金的
四个字 ——“人和车厂”。(老舍《骆驼祥子》)
The rickshaw entrance, next to the western room, was a double
gate painted green, over which a bright, uncovered electric light hung
from a thick wire, illuminating a metal plaque beneath it with the words
“Harmony Shed” in gold script.(葛浩文译)
Next to the west room there was a rickshaw entrance with a big
double gate painted green. Above this, hanging from a thick wire, was
a very bright naked light bulb. Beneath this light hung a horizontal iron
plaque inscribed with the gold characters “Harmony Rickshaw Yard”.
(施晓菁译)
原文采用“移步换景”式的叙述方式,使读者目光由“西间”转到
“车门”,再转到“粗铁条”“点灯”“贴片”,行云流水,没有主次之分,
体现了汉语的平面性。葛浩文分析后发现,“两扇绿漆大门”指的是第
一个小句中的车门,并对其进行修饰,而后三小句中的焦点事物为“电
灯”,所以葛浩文先选定一个主句 The rickshaw entrance was a double
gate,然后用定语从句将 light 引出,次要信息“粗铁条”和“铁片”则
用介词词组和非谓语 illuminating 引出,主次分明,条理清晰,充分体
现了英语的立体感。而施晓菁则是按照汉语的顺序,逐步呈现原文中的
物体,相对来说,不太能凸显立体感。
(14)我们过了江,进了车站。我买票,他忙着照看行李。(朱
自清《背影》)
We entered the railway station after crossing the River. While I
was at the booking offiffiffice buying a ticket, father saw to my luggage.(张
培基译)
We crossed the Yangtze and arrived at the station, where I bought a ticket while he saw to my luggage.(杨宪益、戴乃迭译)
“过了江,进了车站”是两个连续的动作,译文 a 将其译为 entered
the railway station after crossing the River,以 entered the railway station
为焦点,强调了“进了车站”这个动作。而译文 b 将其译为 crossed the
Yangtze and arrived at the station,将两个动作并列。
第二句“我买票,他忙着照看行李”的翻译中,译文 a 强调了“他
忙着照看行李”这个动作,以 father saw to my luggage 为主句,突出了
父亲的动作。而译文 b 把“我买票,他忙着照看行李”两个动作并列,
没有突出主次。这篇文章是作者对父亲的回忆,主要突出父亲的行为,
译文 a 在句子结构上以父亲为主句主语,出现在焦点信息中,更为合适。